"Mike, I'm tired. I'm really very, very tired. My heart is just not in it anymore. People tell me I'm a good Pastor. They obviously appreciate all that I do. And I do a lot. But no matter how many hours I put into ministry, I find no fulfillment, only emptiness. I just want a whale to come by and swallow me".
The man sitting opposite my wife and I was small of stature but big of heart. As he talked to us, I found my mind thinking back over the friendship we had shared together for more than 20 years. In fact, I had the great privilege of introducing he and his wife to Jesus Christ and to then baptize them as they committed themselves to become life-long disciples of the Lord God.
In due course we moved on from that Church but imagine my delight when they subsequently advised me that they had applied to train for pastoral ministry. Now he is the Pastor of the very Church where he first heard of God's love and responded so positively.
The Church folk love him. It's not as if he is facing the kind of opposition that comes with division and destructive attitudes. On the contrary, he himself acknowledges that the church is a 'happy' place to be; the kind of place that some other Pastors I know only dream about! But here he was, sitting across the table from us, his face reflecting his tiredness, disappointment and despair.
He is struggling to make some sense of why he is at a place where the idea of 'doing a Jonah' and to welcome being swallowed by a whale seems like a more desirable option than continuing in a ministry that is slowly draining the life out of him.
I became aware of two realities that were emerging within me as he looked into my eyes. First, he was looking to me for some kind of answer - even if it was just an explanation of why he was feeling like he was, let alone a solution for his dilemma. Given our history, he looked upon me as something of a mentor so his expectation was not unreasonable.
Second, I was getting in touch with some of my own feelings. You see, I had no trouble at all in understanding what my friend was saying or what he was feeling. There have been many times during my 40 years of pastoral ministry when I have sat on his side of the table, so to speak, and struggled with the same kind of feelings that he was now expressing.
Without losing my focus on what he was saying, I found myself thinking, "What did I do on those occasions when I have felt like this? Is there any kind of explanation or answer that I can share with him that might be helpful? More to the point, am I supposed to supply an answer? Or am I supposed to just listen and let him unload?"
Then, suddenly, there was silence. The three of us sat alone with our thoughts for a time. Then my wife said quietly, "Unmet expectations".This proved to be a key to open a direction in our conversation as we found ourselves exploring together what sometimes has been called "the performance trap".
As we talked, it became obvious that 'my son in the faith' had read of what has happened in other Churches and with other Pastors as they initiated 'this program' or 'that strategy'. Books about Church growth had fired his imagination. With understandable passion and commendable enthusiasm he had given himself to see similar growth and change take place in his Church. Yet, for all his passion and enthusiasm, the changes that had happened to other churches in other places failed to materialize in his Church.
The result? Let me ask you to read again the opening paragraph. He was physically weary, mentally tired, emotionally drained and spiritually exhausted. The pain that I felt for him that evening was intensified for me by the realization that my friend belonged to a "club with a very big membership". A club that has no formal structure - just a big membership of disillusioned Pastors and Leaders. A club where the only qualification for membership is exhausted resources. A club whose patron saint is Jonah. A club where members just 'want out' and, as was the case with their patron saint, to run from the unwelcome demands of ministry.
I suspect that Jonah was a servant and prophet of the Lord who had his own set of expectations when it came to serving his God. However, those expectations did not include the city of Nineveh! They did not include a preaching assignment that would see Jonah's enemies become the object of God's forgiveness and grace. Nor did those expectations anticipate that Jonah would try to escape from the call of his God upon his life.
My friend has not reached the point of running away from God's call. He is still passionate about fulfilling that call. However, he is confused because he has unmet expectations - those hopes that if he did thus and so, God would do thus and so. But God isn't doing His part, or so it seems.
Such expectations in ministry usually anticipate certain outcomes. A growing Church. The need for multiple services to accommodate that growth. An increased budget. A harvest of new converts. The need for more staff to further facilitate such growth. For many, these are the criteria by which expectations are measured. When those anticipated outcomes fail to appear, their absence creates a vacuum that, in turn, provides room for questions and confusion.
So, is there an antidote for this condition? Maybe the first response is not to question one's calling but to question one's expectations. Where did they originate? Are those expectations my reasonable response to specific promises of God or are they the product of my desire to be 'successful' as defined by the experience of others?
A second response might ask the question, "Is there a difference between being successful and being faithful?" While it is not impossible to be both, must they always be equated? Can one be faithful (in God's eyes) and yet not be successful (in the eyes of others)?
A third dimension to be considered is the fact that Jesus is our model. Without doubt, there were times when it appears that Jesus was quite 'successful' in His ministry. The gospel accounts of his preaching and healing ministry and the crowds that often followed Him surely meet the general criteria of success. But then there were times when the results of His ministry were anything but successful. Times when He would have been considered a failure. But He was always faithful.
As we talked about these things, I sensed that my friend became a little more energized. Did he go on his way rejoicing in the knowledge that all his problems were over? Hardly! But he did leave us that night with a sense that there were some issues - some questions - that he needed to address; issues and questions that had come into sharper focus and offered some hope for a way ahead.
