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The last entry concluded with the words, “Until Now” (Present tense). Those who have read our book will not miss the irony of those two words, given that each of the “letters to Bev” recorded in the book conclude with the words, “Until Then”.(Future tense)

But I am aware that I have been ‘down’ for some time now. “Oh, come on Mike! 2 years? That is hardly time enough for you to absorb the enormity of Bev’s absence from your life, let alone to complete the grieving process—especially when one considers the depth and length of your marriage.”  

This kind of depression is not that which cripples the afflicted person so they can’t even get out of bed in the morning. It just subtlety infiltrates and permeates one’s thought processes.

I can accept those descriptions and explanations, but I thought they would have come and gone by now.

Why now?

Three nights ago I had a dream. That, in itself, is noteworthy. That was the first time that Bev appeared in a dream. I awoke from the dream quite ‘disturbed’.

When she was with us, Bev talked a lot about the extended times we spent in Denver, Colorado. She loved the magnificence of the Rocky Mountains. She said that she thought she had been born in the wrong country!! If heaven was anything like those times, she would be keen to go!

In fact, that desire helps me explain what her absence from my life feels like. It is as if she has gone away (to Denver) on a one way, no return ticket. She cannot return and I cannot go to her. I’d like to think she is waiting for me to join her. I miss her very much but I can’t go yet; not until the Master says my departure is at hand.

Since that dream, I have recalled a personal retreat one afternoon many years ago when God whispered into my spirit, “I want you to pay attention to your relationship with Bev. It is the closest model or example I have that reflects our relationship (yours and mine).”

The truth is that I have been struggling with my own relationship with God over the last 3-4 years. I feel a pressure/temptation to become a spiritual hermit. Yet God is real. I am not doubting His existence even slightly. But I know that where I am in things “spiritual” could hardly be called “abundant life”

  It’s hard for me to pray.  I seem to only read the Bible if I have to prepare something for Church or Barnabas. I am undisciplined in my daily life. I think it would be relatively easy to withdraw from what social contacts I currently have even though I enjoy the friendships I have.


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