PrintJournal 41
29 September, 2015
Hello Darling,
I’ve been reading some more of your journal in that book, “The Book of Days”. When I read your insights, it’s no wonder people would say after visiting you, “I came to cheer Bev up but I am the one who is going away blest. She is such an inspiration. Facing one of the worst kind of diseases yet she has such dignity and care for others”.
Here’s one that appeals to me, “I am more than simply waiting for death. I am actively getting ready”. That was so true, sweetheart. We have noted elsewhere that having time to prepare for our ‘departure’ was a great gift. We had said and done all that was needed. We had no unfinished business. We had time to say ‘goodbye’. No regrets.
Here’s another: The thought of God staggers the mind, but to know God satisfies the heart
Do you remember when……?
We sure used those 4 words a lot in our conversation during your time in High Care. It was wonderful to have so many experiences during our married life that qualified for those four words.
Do you remember when I used to say to you, “I can’t begin to imagine what my life would be like without you in it.” But now here we are….in exactly that situation. Of course, in one sense you will always be in my life. Memories will make sure of that! But I’m talking about physically present and thus able to talk, taste, touch, feel etc.
In prospect the thought of you being absent permanently intimidated me more than I could describe. I dreaded the idea of coming home to an empty house – every day!! That really played havoc with my mind. I’m somewhat disappointed with my struggle against these joy-blocking, grace resistant dynamics. My self-diagnosis is that I am suffering from low level depression. I suppose that should be anything but a new thought.
A couple of days ago I heard again the words from the song, “His Eye Is On The Sparrow” and especially the lines that read like this:
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come.
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home;
When Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me
That’s what I lose sight of more often than not. In my aloneness and my longing for heaven and home, His eye is on this sparrow and He watches over me. I guess I’m simply saying that I can’t begin to imagine what my life would be like without Him in it. I’ll write again soon.
But Until Then…..
You remain the love of my life
Mike
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